Posted by Yong TM (202.172.43.132) on February 28, 2003 at 10:42:02:
In Reply to: problems with today's youth posted by Karen on February 27, 2003 at 11:40:00:
You also put me on the spot because I am answerable to God too for the advise I dish out there! Ha ha...
This is an extremely personal question, in a sense that we do not know what it means when we read statements like "he loves her alot". What does 'alot' means? Enough to overcome any difficulties? Life of course is filled with many ups and downs. If a wife is raped by a stranger, it could very well affect the marriage even though the husband may 'love her alot'. There are many, many possibilities here.
The first absolute principle is that the past is the past. One cliche that some people said was when God forgives someone, He writes the sin down on a piece of paper, throw it into a lake that has a sign that says "No Fishing". So indeed the past is the past. That is indeed true. The problem is that there are consequences that lingers on; in her case, the fact that she had an abortion would be the overwhelming one (much worse if a child was born); and that she has had sex before would be the next one. So while you can reassure her that God has completely forgiven her; tell her that it is natural and expected that she will continue to suffer guilt feelings because as a human, she cannot easily forgive or forget the past. So don't expect these feelings to disappear overnight.
One thing I can share with you would be that I do not think that in a mutual relationship, complete transparency is necessarily a good thing. For example, when a spouse committed adultery at the spur of the moment, was counseled and truly, truly is remorseful and repented; a Christian counselor may advise him or her NOT to reveal this one-time mistake to the spouse because the spouse may not be able to take it. So I would say first of all that she may want to exercise that option, depending on whether her present boyfriend's love for her is able to reach a stage for him to transcend the idea that his lover once had an abortion, let along had sex with someone else. On a lighter note, when my wife asks "dear, is this pretty on me?" I would be really stupid to answer honestly "like, I don't really care", or "It makes you look fat... by the way, have you put on weight?" So this exercise of complete honesty needs to be re-examined at times.
Having said that, the problem here is also that her conscience is attacking her; so there is also a need to address this as it will affect her mental health. By the way, this demonstrates amptly the crazy consequences of sin (but that is another story altogether). She will need someone to confide with, and you has chosen you. One way is for you to keep her secret, and continue to support her as an outlet for her (and this may take a long, long time). Another thing that she can do is to start 'preparing' this person to the fact that she had a boyfriend before, was not so perfect in the past, and slowly release her past in a 'controlled' manner. If this boyfriend is as spiritual as she paints him to be, and if her present lifestyle is indeed spiritual, then he should be able to accomodate a mistake that was made back in time (although admittedly, it is difficult). But as I pointed out earlier, she may also opt to keep quiet about this issue. Both has its risks. Sharing it with the boyfriend may cause a breakup; but keeping quiet may cause mental anquish and if the boyfriend somehow finds out, worse consequences.
In theory, it is always good to be transparent, so that you don't have to always worry about the other party finding out. But we are NOT that person, and will not bear the consequences of that decision. So I started out by saying that it must be a personal decision. Something that only she can decide on her own and bear the results (and so don't ever make her think that you are deciding for her).
In summary then, my own preference would be:
1. Assure her of God's absolute forgiveness
2. Tell her that it is 'natural' to continue to feel guilty because it was a huge mistake; and don't expect it to disappear overnight
3. Tell her that some counselors would not advise disclosure.
4. Tell her that you can continue to be her outlet and keep her secret for her (and you better do). This actually would help the most and buy her time to consider this issue.
5. Whether she chooses to do a full disclosure or not, at least she should advise her boyfriend that she does have a past so that he does not get the wrong picture, and she can be relieved of thinking that she gave him the wrong impression all the time.
On the side, let me tell you that I have witnessed many, many of such cases. The key is focus on advising young people against pre-marital sex; and not to pick up the mess all the time, because it IS very messy when we violate God's sacred order for life. Once such things happen, there are simply no easy answers.
Lastly, counseling is not a 'put in 20 cents and get an answer' type of thing. It is a long, drawn-out process that needs lots of love and commitment on the part of the counselor. You may want to direct her to a professional Christian counselors, like those in Agape Counseling Centre if you are in doubt.